(note: a Mormon congregation is called a ward. In some places, we have congregations exclusively for singles, with the intent to marry them off to each other. This is concerning that topic).
I go to church in a family ward here in Brooklyn. The Park Slope ward, one of the best wards I have ever been. It is a family ward. I am 28 years old. And single. When I was moving to Brooklyn, the fact that there was no singles ward actually appealed to me. Sure, i had the option to attend the singles ward in Manhattan so I could meet people, but it just felt a little funny to me to attend church in a congregation that I wasn't assigned and that was further away just to get to know member of the opposite sex. In other words, I felt like rather than attending church for spiritual edification, I wold be on the prowl. I know I'm getting up there in years, but I'm not a cougar yet (as in this kind, I was this kind.)
So here I've been, happily for a year and a half going to church with parent and kids of all ages, and even a few other brave single Brooklynites. We even have a singles Sunday school class, which I teach and have to say is great (everyone is welcome! 11 a.m. sunday mornings). Fine, i don't meet tons of guys, but really that hasn't felt like too much of a problem, i can always schlep up to Manhattan for something like the Mormon speed dating activity or Halloween dance (guys. seriously? no, i didn't go. How am I supposed to meet someone to love at something so awkward?). But life in general is good. There are enough of us singles here that we don't get treated like menaces to society or get pitying glances thrown at us when making comments in relief society. I feel like I belong, and I like it.
Word on the street is that they are thinking about forming a singles ward.
My initial reaction was perhaps not the most Christ-like "hell no!" I'm still leaning that way, but after extensive conversations about this, it is actually a pretty complicated situation, for everyone involved, yes, including you married folk who did your time and found your E.C. In fact, it is partly because of you that many singles don't feel as "full" members of the church, which is a pretty silly idea. So singles wards, a good idea or a bad one?
As I mentioned, I love my family ward. I'm interacting with people at all stages of life and different backgrounds (although the majority of the people in my ward are young couples about my same age). I get to see kids on a weekly basis and couples who have successfully navigated the dating minefield into marriage. It is inspiring. It makes it seem like marriage can actually happen and people don't just fade from your radar, as friends do when they leave the singles wards into their newlywed we-are-now-(legally)-sexually-active bliss. On a weekly basis I get to interact with really cool people who may not be in the same single state of life that I am in but who are really cool nonetheless, and I would consider them friends, even if i don't feel quite at home with the mommy group. In church each week, I'm reminded the people struggle and learn even after they are married in a variety of ways, that life isn't perfect for anyone but we are all trying to apply the Atonement of Jesus Christ in our lives, to our personal situations, whether married or single. I'm reminded that it it okay to want a partner in this and I don't have to always be preparing to go through life alone, in case I'm one of those righteous sisters who will be married in the next life. I'm not comparing myself to the other women as competition. I'm not talking with men simply because I hope they'll like me better than the next girl. I'm serving by bringing food to families with new babies and helping the cub scouts. And I think that the members of my ward can see that-- they get to discover the whole me, not just see me as a single person. They see me happy and helping and making insightful (at least I hope so) comments in class. Sure, they ask if I'm dating anyone, but that's not so bad. They even sometimes recommend cool friends of theirs for me to go out with. And everyone can appreciate a bad date story.
That's my case for keeping the status quo. In fact, if i were prophet for the day, I would do away with singles wards all together except for university undergrad (or that age group) (unless, of course, God told me not to do that. In which case, i would listen). After that, we all do this thing together and have extra activities and things for singles. The aging out at 31 into family wards just seems to make those who end up in family wards feel worse about their state of being.
On the flip side however (and aren't there always two sides to every story?), what if a singles ward is really needed here? What if I'm just an anomaly? With a singles ward, more Mormon kids would consider moving to Brooklyn. Those who are already here but going to the Manhattan wards could stay in their own ward and have callings. While the Manhattan wards are fairly homogenous, made up of Utah and Idaho transplants, the Brooklyn singles ward would include areas with a lot of local kids who grew up here. It would be their first opportunity to be in a singles ward. Maybe people would come and meet and get married. Maybe people would start going to church again because it's closer and they would feel less estranged from the general church community. People would have real leadership opportunities. It could be a good thing.
But what if no one came? What if people did end up moving here from Manhattan, and the diversity of the congregation dwindled as the Chinese speaking singles returned to their family wards? What if the family wards lost faithful, hardworking members of their congregations?
I don't get to vote on this issue. It's something that is decided by the stake president, and he has asked for our input. I'm glad I don't get to vote, because I don't know how I would vote. I know what is best for me, but how can I decide that is best for everyone? What do you think? Any thoughts on singles wards?
Honestly, i just kinda wish I didn't have the option of attending one, if you know what I mean ;)
2024 Segullah Contest Winners
2 weeks ago
6 comments:
I did have the opportunity to attend one! Moving to New York was one of the weirdest experience of my life. The only person my age when I moved was Nate and he moved to Utah. Most of the time I feel like the only mormon age 18, in college in the entirety of New York City. That's pretty dang intimidating. But as you said, you'd want singles wards for those in undergrads...which is me. Besides that I think you are completely right.
I think inspiration works best with as much information as possible. I envy your ward situation now. I would print your blog post and mail it or give it to the sstake president. Especially since he asked.
Hm... interesting topic. I know that I've appreciated both single's wards AND family wards at different times in my life. Currently, I appreciate the single's ward I'm in. I'm not there to find someone to date (already have someone), but I love that I get a better likelihood of serving and growing within the ward. I'm appreciative of the fact that I get to be me and that I don't have to go to the family ward I grew up in (which is where I currently live). I went to my family ward for a while before moving to Hawaii, but didn't feel like I was making as much of a difference in the family ward as I am in the single's ward. (I think a part of that could be the fact that the people in my family ward have known me since I was 9 years old and so I assume that they don't like my input, which probably isn't the case!)
I like your points and I've noticed some of the same problems with singles wards that you mentioned. The "fading away" part is one of the weirdest aspects.
My thought would be to modify the idea of a "singles ward" to be a regular family ward that is designated as an option for singles to attend.
I talked to someone who was in a singles ward in Massachusetts when Mitt Romney was the Stake President there. President Romney took the unconventional tactic of appointing the young and energetic singles in the stake to stake-level positions. I'm hopeful we'll see more thoughtful and serious rethinking of the singles ward model demonstrated by you in this blog post and by Mitt.
I think the Hingham Stake’s solution is a good one; it is similar to Brooklyn’s. There is a Singles group that operates within a family ward. So there is a single’s Sunday school, relief society, priesthood etc, but they are still part of a larger ward i.e. have sacrament meeting together one bishop etc.
By the way, next time we do a get together we’ll have to do it here in Boston. Maybe we could do a 90’s Youth of the Hingham Stake reunion. Sean and I live right down the street from each other we could host some people at our houses.
Stay in touch.
Come on ;-) you only have two more years to serve in the SW!!!! I think it is not made for the girls but mostly for the guys or they would never learn how to ask a girl out on the date.. therefore they have to have weekly lecture from a bishop on the responsibility to take girls out ;-)Jeremy calls it "Once a semester chastity talk."
Post a Comment