The prophet said to write in a journal (July 2002)

So I'm packing up my life right now, and came across an entire box full of journals. Ever since I went to Africa and had to keep a journal for my anthropology class, I have been hooked on writing my thoughts, granted, at some times better than at others. I don't even know how many I have, and some of them are only half full because I felt that they were no longer conducive for writing. But these journals have been my refuge and confidant on so many occassions when I just have needed to spill my thoughts somewhere to sort them out. Like a pensive (from Harry Potter). Amazing how once I get the thoughts out of my head onto paper (or computer) it leaves space in my head to make sense of my world and what is happening, and why.

So I picked up a small blue one, with a hard cover and gold embossing. Blank white pages (lines are restrictive) that are very thin, so much so that at some points the pen has leaked through. I glanced through it, not remembering what stage of my life it contained. It starts on July 3rd, 2002, and I wrote:

"I'm in Provo now. No job, no home, but lots of friends. And no idea what I am doing now. Sigh. It'll work out someday soon. So Liina and I were planning on driving to Boston on Friday. However, she is now staying longer due to honors thesis trauma, so i am stranded. My options-- get Isi to buy me a ticket home now, and just get back to Boston, or stay here and find a job. This is a tad ridiculous, And stressful and frustrating. But I'll figure it out. Today it doesn't feel like I will, but soon I hope. I need to go to the temple and how.

I hate packing, it never feels done. And it brings so much nostalgia. And sadness. And everything else. Jason and i talked last night, he says he needs more sleep, and isn't satisfied with how things between us are going. He needs to prioritize sleep and school. Of course I heard this, along with him saying that he'd almost be relieved if i were leaving Friday. Ouch. That's what i was fearing and so i got kind of upset. And then he explained it a bit better to me, that he wants this to be a healthy relationship and he likes me, that's why he needs more sleep, so that the time that we do spend together is actually quality. Got to respect that."

This was all written right after my graduation from BYU, as i was in that stage of life trying to figure everything else out. I see some parallels to my life now-- on the brink of something brand new, strange. And of course, i am again packing and leaving behind dear friends and a comfortable life. I continued to read some of the journal, fascinated even though I already know how that portion of life ends. I moved to Boston, got a job at STA Travel that I wasn't satisfied with but had good benefits, and attempted a long distance relationship with this fellow Jason which ended a few months later. But is was interesting to read my thoughts and feelings, during this whole time, things that I couldn't remember. I was so grateful to have that record to jog my memory, open up my feelings again to that time of my life. It also made me smile reading about my friends, ones that i am still friends with, because I just thought that they were the greatest, most inspiring people, and I still think so. Sometimes i look back on my life and thing, wow, I have learned so much and i was a fool before. But reading a journal validates the 21 year old me. I was spiritual, i did think deep thoughts, I did feel things intensely, and even maturely. Reminds me to continue writing now, so one day, 10 years from now, I can look back and thing, that 26 year old me was kind of a cool chick. Or, gee, looks like I still haven't progressed.

A Ivy song just came on, one that I listened to a lot during that time period that goes "While we're in love, we'll bleed each other dry. We'll hold each other close, we'll make each other cry. While we're in love, we'll get what we deserve, until we lose our faith, until we lose our nerve. We both know it can't last forever, cuz we're not meant to be together, make the best of a bad situation, face the fear and the desperation, while we're in love, while we're in love..." Good song, one I related to a lot at the time.

I write and i love to write. Maybe one day my kids will read it. maybe. I don't know if I really want them to read all of this. My journal writing isn't what i think the prophet was referring to when he asked that we keep a record of our lives, it is more just the jumbled thoughts and feelings of my life, nothing to help them thing that mom or grandma was a pioneer, rather a somewhat screwed up kid. And obsessed with boys (hey, admit it, journal writing always goes better when there are relationship issues to sort out). But then again, knowing what I was like as a kid, maybe this would help them out. We shall see.