Unstuck

I think I've been stuck for a while. What do I mean by stuck? Well, it is this dark place with oozing walls and... just kidding. Let me give you an example: A few years ago, I dated a boy. We were in love. He was a writer. One of the reasons he gave for breaking up was that we were too happy, too content together, and thus, he was not compelled to write as he would have liked. Stuck.

I thought, as any self respecting girl would, that this was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. How can being happy make you stuck? How can contentedness make you feel like you won't accomplish things?

I'm not going to really address that issue per se, but rather go off on something that I have been thinking about in a related vein. I like people. I like boys. I like relationships, and find myself falling into and out of them rather quickly with not much time in between to take store of what occurred. And I have found myself going through a rather miserable and empty time. I've pawned it off on simply sucking at relationships, or, when I want to play the victim, saying the guys I date suck at relationships. But there really is more to it than simply sucking and letting it go at that. The thing is, I believe I get stuck. I get stuck on the idea that a relationship is something that I need to be happy. I get stuck in a pattern of contentedness that while not inherently bad, has the effect of making me not feel like myself. And hence, the emptiness.

Story-- I was talking to a friend the other day about feminism and losing yourself when you get married. She told me the story of her aunt who was a smart, independent woman, who met a wonderful young man. They got engaged. Her professor, concerned for her, pulled aside one day, and asked about her future. With a heaving-bosom sigh and starry eyes, she said, "None of that matters. I am going to be John's wife." A romantic ideal, to be sure, but one that makes me, a feminist, cringe. The question is though-- how can I prevent myself from getting lost when I get into a relationship and getting stuck as someone else? I can honestly say, I don't know. It hasn't worked well for me, and the thought makes me hesitant to try.

But I do know this-- The past little while I have had no boys in my life in any way, no romantic interest at all. And I feel strong. I am happy, I feel accomplished, independent, I'm doing well spiritually, emotionally, I have time to go to the gym so I even look and feel good. My insecurities have melted, I've forgiven past hurts, and wounds have healed in my heart. I spend my time reading and going to activist films and lectures. I write. I'm taking pictures. I am making new friends. I'm getting ready to go to grad school and to travel. I am even happy for all of my friends in relationships and don't feel jealous. Being single is the best thing that could happen to me right now.

I am unstuck. I am me. I am happy.