am i a grown up?

I turned 30 on Sunday. the month leading up to this momentous life event has been, shall we say, rather stressful. Lots of life things, and then just this melancholy that always creeps in around birthday time, which was extra strong for this decade anniversary where I leave my twenties behind.

Am I a grown up? Legally, yes, but we all know that means very little. I thought that by the age of thirty I would have lived a full life and be solidly traveling into middle age, with a spouse and multiple children giving me wrinkles. I find myself here, having lived a very full life with a start of a career, and feeling still like I have not yet been released from adolescence. And I would like to be. Blame it on the culture, blame it on my own expectations, but growing up is, most often, indicated by marriage and children. A home, perhaps, if you can afford it. In my religious surroundings, as a "young single adult" (though only for one more year! gasp!) I am separated from the "family ward" into a separate congregation, where the religious teachings are the same, but with the extra added benefit of activities to help me keep an active social life. Activities that, let's be honest, haven't changed much from the time i first became an adolescent at the age of 12 (more speed dating. less scrap booking). Of course, we all get an education and live life, i'm not saying that we are trapped here just waiting to be married, we do all continue onward into adulthood and responsibility for the most part. Bur for me, my own insecurities crept in here recently, mocking me with the whispers of-- you are thirty! but are you really a grown up without having a family? I think that thoughts like these lead to this somewhat frantic, constant social interaction where we remain constantly in motion, hoping to find someone to love or at least, by gum, not be lonely by spending time with other spinster friends.

Well, i am tired. I want to be a grown up. I don't want to have fun all the time, I don't want to feel the pressure of being social. i just simply want to be responsible, do my job well, work on projects that interest me, and spend time with smart friends. I don't want to date for the sake of dating, I don't want to go to parties where I "might meet someone". I just want to be me. You see, at the age of thirty, i know who I am, i know what I like. I am comfortable in my own skin. I am responsible and a grown up, and just tired of pretending that I'm not because I don't quite fit my preconceived notion of "growing up".

Accepting that, two days into thirty i am feeling calmer. This is my life and I have grown into it.