Down the road...

I've been hearing a lot about where I will probably be down the road. I'll probably be really happy, and find a great guy, and see why things happen the way they do. And I really do believe that.

but, down the road can be a little bit difficult to see and feel when I'm at this end of the road.

My blog posting most definitely picks up when I'm not in a relationship, and so it would only be expected that this is the time that I would indulge in putting pen to paper (or keys to keyboard) and writing about life and love and feelings and all that good stuff, for people to read or not to read, i don't really care, it is more just to put it out there into the universe. I began my blog about three years ago, after breaking up with Trevor. It began as a secret blog, and it consisted of the painful, heart-wrenching lamentations of a girl crushed. Don't bother looking back for those posts, they are long gone, deleted, because they served their purpose of existing out there for long enough. I didn't want to risk Trevor finding them somehow and reading and knowing how crushed and pathetic i was.

The boy I love broke up with me a few days ago. I don't feel like writing crushed, angst-ridden words for him/about him. I don't feel crushed or angst-ridden, maybe because I don't feel like our relationship was such. I feel sad, and my heart tends to leak out of my eyes a bit more these days, but more than anything I'm actually feeling so grateful that I got to date him because he is amazing, and I feel like a better person now than before we met. I may take a swan dive off the cliffs of insecurity in the coming days or weeks, but for now, I feel like I gave my best in this relationship and I can only be content with what I got, and that I can't change or force him to feel differently about me, and that it isn't my fault. It seems like a bit of a miracle that we got to be together when we did. The timing for meeting was exactly right because we got to know each other a bit through emailing while i was frantically finishing up my semester. We went out for the first time in the summer when the sun was shining and we had time and energy to get to know each other on long walks down warm city streets and bodies of water. We fell in love slowly, and for me it wasn't a big dramatic event but lots of little heart thumping, stolen glance, hand-squeezing moments. We let ourselves be vulnerable and therefore get hurt by each other and learned to talk and kiss things better. We got to take in the magic of changing seasons in Prospect Park as the seasons of our relationship changed, where we thought of the future and talked of reality. We dealt with stress and insecurities and a collapsing economy and fear of failed exams and the election season each on our own, and realized that everything can be made okay for at least a little while with snuggling and a vaporizer and chocolate chip cookies. We talked and talked and talked and never got around to watching movies. We were close, and then we were far, and we were close again, and I was learning that relationships take a lot of pushing and pulling and the trick is to learn how to come close again. I never knew where it would end up, and sometimes it was frustrating, but most of the time it was okay because I was happy just being with him and it felt good. And then things ended, somehow.
I love that I could learn to love and communicate and think in different ways and be challenged. How can I be angry or bitter towards someone who i learned so much from and about? Ah, my heart will be sore and he'll be in there for a while, but that is okay. I will be okay. There is a road with something down it that i will be walking along.